The term "Helicopter Parent" has gotten a lot of attention in the 21st century.  Wikipedia (2011) defines it as a parent "who pays extremely close attention to his or her child's or children's experiences and problems, particularly at educational institutions."  With a current private practice and past experience as a psychologist in a university counseling center, I have a lot of experience working on parenting issues with these types of families.  In my clinical experience, I find these parents to be individuals who are highly risk averse in their parenting style and believe that there own over-involvement is the safest way to guide their children through a potentially harsh environment.  As a clinician and parent, I have a great deal of empathy for these parents.  Life IS scary - there is so much that we don't have control over, and we live in a society that places a premium on control.  Furthermore, we live at a time where technology offers us a multitude of ways (cell phones, texting, instant messaging, e-mail, facebook) to maintain the illusion of control.  My empathy is high because most parents truly want the best for their child; they can just trip all over themselves trying to make it happen.

With a lot of "helicopter parents", there is an intuition, almost like a gut feeling, that a particular issue in a child's life (school, social life) has to be dealt with in a certain way.  It's almost like an itch that needs to be scratched.  Usually it stems from a belief that his or her child (oftentimes a teenager) doesn't know what he or she is doing and will make a mistake.  Oftentimes, there may be past behavior to support that belief.  Thus, the parent acts proactively (or sometimes reactively) to prevent the mistake.  By focusing on the underlying wish of your child, you can support his or her maturation and development (provided this is what you want - that is one of the complicated undertones of helicopter parenting - the fear of seeing your child grow up and not needing you in the same way he or she used to) while modeling healthy behavior.  For example, teens who agitate for use of the car, time out with their friends, a later curfew, etc. are often expressing a wish for freedom and independence.  I suggest empathizing with this wish, and helping provide some - but not too much - structure to help them express it constructively.  Talk with them and validate their wishes; then put out "carrots" to motivate for good behavior.  E.g. establishing a good track record with curfew offers the incentive for more time out with friends.

Two key words for helicopter parents are communication and moderation. 

With the former, go beneath the superficial talking points and discuss what's really driving the issues.  Share your hopes and fears.  Underneath the potential "rebel" stance, most teens value authenticity and can smell out hypocrisy from across the room.  However, be honest from the stance as a parent, not as a friend.  Figure out what your boundaries are and stick with them, but express them from an empathic position that respects your child's needs.

With the latter, remember the adage from the story of "The Three Bears.": not too hot, not too cold, just right.  Look for balance in your parenting, and overall level of involvement.  Space is good - not too little, not too much. 

Remember, the issue of "separation and individuation" in parenting begins when children are quite young.  For example, when our little child is playing in front of us and falls, our urge is to run to them and see if they are OK.  But what if you could hold back for just a second or two?  Maybe your child might surprise you and not even be bothered by the fall or even laugh about it.  If he or she is hurt, you are still right there to come to his or her aid (and the cry will let you know).  The best way to grow is to learn how to fall and get back up.  If we never let our children experience the pain of falling, we deny them the opportunities that come with getting back up.  It is amazing how this metaphor continues to play out, right through college and beyond.

Please keep in mind that this blog is a starting point - not an ending one.  These issues are usually complex, and it can often be helpful to speak with other parents or a mental health professional.  For more information on my psychotherapy services , please visit my website.